Being a compassionate witness - you are not responsible for the energy and emotions of others.

Did you know that not only are emotions contagious,

but so is energy.

Sometimes it happens so subtly that we don’t even know it is happening.

Recently I was speaking with one of my closest friends, and she asked if she could vent about how hard it is to be around people who show up with negativity or pessimism on a regular basis. You know, the “glass half empty people.”

I was happy to oblige. What else are best girlfriends for if not to hold a place for venting?! And as she started to share her frustration, I couldn’t agree more.

Both she and I happen to be people who bring a high level of optimism and energy to everything we do. And at the same time, we balance it with the healthiest dose of reality. We are both careful never to dismiss the presence of important emotions with toxic positivity. 

For many years I have been doing the hard work of separating my energy and emotions from the energy and emotions of others, especially those closest to me. Putting boundaries in place when necessary has become an important part of building and cultivating healthy, loving relationships in my life.

But, I know how hard this is,

and how important it is to be a compassionate witness, instead of a suffering empath.  

You are not responsible for the energy and emotions of others.

It is not your job,

despite what you may have been told or what you have been conditioned to believe. 

You don’t have to dim yourself or adjust who you are to accommodate the energy and emotions of those around you.

You don’t have to hide your beautiful, bright, and love-filled self because the “downers” around you make you feel like you should.

And you don’t have to feel bad for wanting to hold on to a good mood, even when others aren’t having it. 

Instead, you get to choose how you want to feel,

you get to set boundaries.

and you get to surround yourself with people who lift and elevate you. 

And I strongly encourage you to do so. 

So, here are a few options for how you can become a stronger compassionate witness while also setting clear boundaries:

Speak honestly.

For many years I felt frustrated when I suffered silently as those around me “dumped” their negative energy and emotions on me. I told myself that to be a good (insert any role here…mother, friend, wife, partner, colleague), I should listen and let them vent, over and over again. It seemed like the right thing to do, a signal of my commitment to them and the intimacy and closeness of our relationship. 

Let’s be clear, this is total bullshit. 

Yes, we can and should hold space for others to share how they feel and what they are going through, but not when they are relentlessly and repeatedly dumping their negativity and crappy energy on us. 

While I recognize that this may feel difficult and uncomfortable, you have the opportunity, and right, to share the truth of how you feel when someone is always raining on your parade. It could sound something like: 

“It seems like you are feeling frustrated or upset (or whatever else you are hearing/observing in them), and while I want you to feel comfortable sharing how you feel with me, I find that I am absorbing your energy and emotions as my own and it isn’t healthy for me. I know it isn’t your intention, and I want to be a compassionate listener and witness to your experience, but I also have to set some boundaries so that I don’t find myself taking on your energy and emotions.”

Remember, it’s not your responsibility to own the emotions and energy of others. 

Set Boundaries - remove yourself.

When there are people who consistently and reliably show up grouchy and negative when you are with them, you have no obligation to hang around and listen. 

In these situations, you can use language like the above, but you can also let them know that their energy and emotions are contagious and too much of it impacts you in unhealthy ways. And, that you are going to create some space so that you can discern your energy/emotions from theirs. 

Note: I am not talking about when a friend, colleague or loved one asks to talk through or be supported in a particular situation, but rather when it is the person that always brings negative juju when you are with them. You know who they are. 

Invite them to join you.

As you think about being honest with and setting boundaries around these people, you can also invite them to shift into a different kind of energy and emotion. 

Often those who are negative and pessimistic have come by it naturally and from their lived experiences. They are well practiced in these behaviors; in fact, they have most likely become bad habits. They may not even know that they are doing it so often or that it has such a significant impact on those around them. 

As someone who has worked hard to create new habits of optimism, hope and an ability to focus on what’s possible, I can tell you with complete confidence, it is a lot more fun and enjoyable when we make the shift together. 

Choose who you surround yourself with wisely. 

There is an opportunity to think about, and audit, what kind of energy and emotions the people you spend the most time with bring into your relationship. Ask yourself how you feel when you spend time with them.

It is so important to choose who you spend time with wisely. A predictor of healthy aging is to have an open, optimistic mindset that allows for the continuous exploration of what’s possible. 

When we allow others to spread their negativity or pessimism to us and we don’t set clear boundaries, it can have profound implications on our health and well-being. 

Finally, reflect on the kind of emotions and energy that you bring to those around you. If you find that you may be one of the “those” people, you have an opportunity to shift how you show up. I promise, while breaking deeply grooved habits will be hard, it will be far more fulfilling.

I’m eager to hear about your experiences, and how you practice being a compassionate witness. I hope you will share your thoughts with me, leave a comment here.

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