If it feels really hard, something is most likely not aligned.
Instead of asking “what should I do”, ask “what isn’t aligned in my life right now”.
Grindy.
Hard.
Heavy.
These are just some of the words that I have been hearing from my friends, family and clients.
And admittedly, I have felt, profoundly, the weight of what they are feeling; I have been there before. Many times.
When life feels like an uphill battle, our natural reaction is to grit our teeth and push through. We believe that more effort will lead to better outcomes, that sheer force of will can overcome any obstacle. But often, the reason life feels so heavy is that something is out of alignment.
When I coach women, bearing witness to and holding space for them as they navigate difficult times and move through times of transition, I often turn to practices that quiet the noise and invite in stillness. It is there that I can think, breathe and imagine how I can best support them.
In one of my recent meditations, I sat with my hand on my heart. As I sat in the quiet, focused on my own breathing, I saw it so clearly.
It’s not about doing more—it’s about aligning around what feels right.
When things feel really hard, it’s because something in our lives is misaligned.
In the past, I experienced exhaustion and a weight that felt impossible to lift. My instinct was always to figure out what more I could do to fix the problem. I would create endless to-do lists and tighten my calendar, assuming better organization and more effort were the solutions.
But over time, I learned a different approach: instead of asking, “What more can I do?” I began to ask, “What isn’t aligned in my life right now?”
If I had asked this question earlier in my life, I would have realized that working harder was not the solution,
aligning my life in new ways was.
Here is what it looked like for me.
Divorce.
Before I allowed myself to consider that I wanted a divorce, I told myself for years that I wasn’t doing enough, or the right things, in my marriage. We spent four years in marriage counseling and I simultaneously went to therapy on my own. And while there was much for me to learn about myself; the truth was that my marriage wasn’t the right fit. Getting a divorce put my life into alignment. It was really fucking hard, but was the the truth of what I needed.
Moving in Midlife.
I have often shared that I cried my way through 2018, even though I couldn’t figure out why. I cried all the time, and for no apparent reason. Except, there was a reason. My life was not aligned. When I allowed myself to get still…get quiet, I realized the truth. It was time for me to leave Connecticut. The truth was that I deeply longed for a change, and to move to a new environment; yet I didn’t even think of giving myself permission to imagine what that would be like. For almost two years I tried to convince myself that I should make new friends, go out and date more and maybe even work less/play more. I tried, and it didn’t help. The answer was for me to plan a move, aligning my life to what my soul really wanted. And so I did.
Changing Careers.
I spent almost 25 years working as a non-profit executive. I was pretty good at it and it was a career that allowed flexibility in my life as I raised my kids. Yet, I had a business on the side called The D Spot, where I coached women who were moving through and forward after divorce. I LOVED coaching. Yet while raising my kids I couldn’t afford to have an unsteady income stream while launching a new business. So I stayed at my full time job and simultaneously worked as a coach. I was exhausted and felt trapped and unhappy in my own life. I worked so incredibly hard, putting so much pressure on myself to perform at work AND grow my side hustle so that “one day” I might be able to be a full time coach. Then, as my youngest son began his junior year of high school and I was spending far more time alone, it hit me. I could align my professional life by considering leaving non-profit work and getting a full time job as a coach and consultant. He would be leaving for college and I would be able to take on a different commitment to work and travel, and I would also be doing work I really love doing. For years I had told myself it wasn’t possible, but in truth, it was. Within a year I joined an incredible, women-owned boutique consulting firm where I could also pursue my own private coaching practice. Win/win.
Misalignment can feel grindy,
hard,
and oh so heavy.
So please remember, you don’t have to work harder; you just have to get clear on what needs to get aligned.
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